Last night, before I was asleep, my 3-year-old climbed into my bed, crying. He’s never been a great sleeper. I turned off the light, gathered him up in my arms, and laid there with him as he fell back into sleep. I was so exhausted, but as is normal lately, I was already having a hard time falling asleep. So I watched him in the dark. I watched his breathing slowly get longer and deeper. And I wished — and hoped — that he knows I’m doing the best I can right now.
We’ve fallen into a “routine” of sorts as we’ve been sheltering in place. A new “normal,” if you will. So much so that sometimes I forget that we’re “stuck” at home (I know, that’s written from a place of privilege). But other days, all this anxiety and fear crashes down on me. I snap more. I yell at my kids more. I get frustrated. I have a hard time falling asleep. It all catches up to me. But, I have to remind myself:
I am doing the best I can.
I also realized, if I need to remind myself of this regularly, I’m sure I’m not the only one who needs to hear it.
You are doing the best you can. And that’s all you can do.
But do our kids know it? I don’t know. I hope they do. I want them to know it. I’ve tried to write this post a few different times, as I’ve tried to grasp all these big, enormous feelings and make some sense of them, for myself and for my kids.
Many days — tucked away in our little “bubble” — I can push the feelings and worries to the side, especially around the kids. But some days, those feelings just become too much. I realized, eventually: I need to show my kids these feelings (at least to some extent).
I want my kids to know it’s okay to be upset, frustrated, anxious, angry, or upset. When they see those feelings, they know they’re normal. They know that we’re all just doing the best we can, no matter what we’re feeling.
We are all doing the best we can.
Even so, there’s nothing normal about now. Nothing. Even as we try to keep to a routine and a new “normal,” there’s nothing normal about what is happening. Homeschooling isn’t really homeschooling. Working from home isn’t usually this, dare I say, stressful. Staying at home, day in and day out, isn’t normal.
Still, within these confined circumstances, we do what we can. And that is enough. .
My house is an absolute mess most of the time. As I sit here at my desk — while my kids tackle my husband (I can literally hear them, even though they’re upstairs) — I’m surrounded by things to do. At the same time, I have my bullet journal open next to me, with so many activities and plans crossed out it physically hurts.
We can’t do everything we want to right now. We can’t go out to the park, or see family and friends we so desperately miss. And yet there’s still so much to take care of and so much to do. Within these bizarre circumstance, we are doing the best we can.
I’m in a bubble, I’ll admit it. I write this from a place of privilege, because I am safe at home. But I still have these big, enormous feelings. I’m still dealing with big, enormous things. I’m allowed to have these big, enormous feelings — and you are too.
You don’t need to thrive right now. You need to survive. And know this – repeat it after me – “I am doing the best that I can.”
That’s my affirmation right now, and I’ll continue to repeat it as long as I need it.
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