This was going to be a recap of my year in 2017. A recap of the year shouldn’t be that hard, right? Except it’s been a bit hard to write. In fact, I’ve been trying to write this post almost all of December.
The problem: I kept trying to focus on all the things I accomplished this year, both professionally and personally… and it just didn’t feel right. The reason I finally realized? I can’t just talk about the successes of the year, because those successes don’t stand alone in some bubble. They’re sandwiched between a whole lot of ups and downs… and even as the year wore on, it all goes back to January.
January… I’m not even sure how to write about January even now a year later. But with the year drawing to a close, I’ll give it a try anyway.
In January 2017, my sister Maggie lost her boyfriend in a case of wrong place, wrong time. Ainsley Hall Hubbard was this bright, brilliant soul, who we considered part of our family. I knew him to be a passionate person in all aspects of his work — with his music and restoring and remaking furniture — to his life, especially in regards to my sister.
I still have this picture of them in my head from one of their visits a couple years back, standing on a bridge in Chicago’s Millennium Park, leaning on the railing and looking at each other.
Less than a week after he passed, I had my second child, a son. The emotions I felt were such a whirlwind. If I’m being honest with myself, postpartum, I was a mess.
I felt so incapable of being there for my sister in any shape or form — especially with her living across the country. There were also days (and, let’s be honest, months) where I wondered how I could ever be a good mother to two kids, too. Those first few months of the year, which included a ton of sleep deprivation, blurred together. I don’t think I could ever accurately write about all the mess of feelings that went through my head.
But one thing is for certain: life felt so entirely different after January.
And it didn’t help that the losses didn’t end with January. As a friend of mine said, “we are way too young for this.”
Life can be, simply put, just unfair. Time is not a renewable resource. We are never promised tomorrow, and all we have is today. It’s not cliche, because it’s the truth.
In the months following Ainsley’s passing, I learned so much more about him — so much I wish I’d known earlier. He made a huge impact on so many people in his short 27 years. He inspired and encouraged people to pursue their passions just as he did, no matter what the obstacle. Everything he did, he did with love. He lived life not just with purpose, but on purpose.
It made me realize how much of my life I lived on auto-pilot: always doing the things that I was “supposed” to be doing, and making a whole lot of decisions based on fear. I’ve always been a rule follower, a people pleaser. But did those things make me truly fulfilled either in my work or life? Not really.
In 2017, I learned about life. I became committed to learning about myself, more about following my passions, more about creating and building a life on my own terms, more about going for the goals I wanted to reach, and refusing to give up on myself. Most importantly, I decided to focus on spending more time with my family and loved ones
My life became more busy and less structured — I think adding a second kid to the mix affects that — but I stopped making excuses (most of the time). I stopped apologizing for being in network marketing to people who didn’t understand why I was doing this business (um, hello, I get to be at home with my kids and make my own hours?)
I spent less time worrying, and more time doing the things I wanted, like going up to Michigan with my family more times than I can count in one year. Last but not least, I became more grateful for the people and things I already had in my life.
As I grew personally and my mindset shifted, I also grew professionally. I hit Elite status with my makeup/skincare business in March — with my sweet little boy sleeping on my chest — and in June, I earned a trip to Punta Cana for my family.
As for this blog, it’s been growing too, and getting more attention (something I plan to continue more into the new year too). Last but not least, I’ve returned to some dreams I’d given up on in the past, namely becoming an author.
I wish I’d learned these lessons differently.
I wish I’d learned them SO differently, but the lessons are sticking more than they ever have before.
Life is way too short to not follow what sets our hearts and souls on fire. Life is too short to live it on anyone else’s terms but our own. So go out there, do the things that you love, the things you can’t stop thinking about. Live life on purpose and with passion, because you are only given this one life. I know I, for one, plan to make it count.
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